[797] Looking Back

Spoiler warning: This will most likely be a very negative and intense post. Read at your own peril.

2018 is almost done. What a year it has been. It has had its share of ups and downs, overall I'd say this year sucked. Let's start from before 2018.

As we were entering 2017 I was so full of hope. I had a new role at the company I used to work for. I had a very wonderful evaluation from my senior managers and after showing them what I was capable of doing I was also aiming for a promotion. Things were going fine, and I was feeling very happy and thankful.

Six days into 2017 (on my 7th wedding anniversary no less!) I lose my "dream" job through no fault of mine. About 75% to 80% of us lost our jobs due to redundancy. It would take me months to recover. I lost a good chunk of my savings, I lost a lot of my faith, and I also started getting more depressed than my usual self. (Note: I haven't seen a shrink, ever.)

As we were entering 2018 I was again full of hope. I had decided to try to find a school abroad and bring my wife and daughter with me. If things went according to plan I would be studying a post-graduate degree while my wife would work and our daughter would study in whatever country I was planning to study.

Ten days into 2018 my wife lost her father. Around mid-to-late April she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had to cancel whatever plans we had to go abroad so she could be treated here and get better (note: She's on the mend). Once again I started getting depressed and very negative, this time with worries about my wife's life and with finances.

Thankfully we're making it through.

As we are entering 2019 I have no hope. No future goals. Nothing to look forward to. I'm just bracing for whatever shit the universe (or for those of you who believe, God) has to once again "bless" us with. Things haven't been going totally my way these past few years. The book I read (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) has helped me with dealing with things I'm experiencing, but it's not enough.

So what am I trying to say here? Simple. I've lost my faith, I've lost my ability to hope for big things. I'm still trying my best to react as maturely as possible to things. I'm not as excited for 2019 to come, I'm not as happy for 2018 to end. I'm just living everyday.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that sad. I still find happiness in things I'd rather not write here. My family still keeps me going. I've been daydreaming a lot as well, like I used to. To escape the reality I'm in right now.

I'm also going to try to find things this year to better my life, as well as my family's. It will be a challenge, but I guess I still have enough strength and sanity to keep on keeping on.

Out.

[796] 2018 Christmas Wishlist

It's that time of the year again where I start daydreaming.

Actually, let us change gears this Christmas. As much as I want my materialistic side to take over, I'm going to be thoughtful about this post.

I want peace of mind and happiness. I also want strength of will to become a better person and to change some parts of me to achieve what I want.

2017 and 2018 were relatively down years if I focus on the negatives. They were also good years since I've done a lot of thinking and changing perspectives as I move on. Overall you could say they weren't great years.

There were times I was down so low, but I also realized that as long as I have hope, and as long as I can do something about it I will always have a fighting chance. As long as I have my wife, my daughter, my parents, my good friends, and my (blood) relatives I will always have a fighting chance.

So there you have it. I just want happiness, peace of mind, and strength of will. I know I have to work to earn those things, I just wish sometimes that those things came easily to me.

Out.

[795] Rough Patch

It's been a rough month or so for my family and I.

It started with me getting the eye shingles. Normally it takes about two weeks of rest but after one week I had to start getting stuff done. This involved a couple of long days and less rest. No big deal since I was feeling relatively fine and was able to do a few morning walks as well.

The lack of sleep started taking its' toll on me though. I started feeling weak and sluggish. I still do actually. I just take more naps as often as I can now.

Last week was the relative low point. My daughter started getting migraines. Nothing a trip to the doctor couldn't solve. She's on a strict diet right now and we're being careful with her so it won't occur as often as last week.

Over the weekend something else happened. I'd rather not blog about it but let's just say instead of having a nice weekend of rest I was relatively high strung facing things beyond my control.

I honestly cannot wait for Christmas. I'm going to take advantage of the long break by resting and hopefully getting myself a full physical check-up just to be on the safe side.

Until then, I soldier on.

Out.

[794] 2018

The year is almost over. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it ending. It has been one long and eventful year. While this year has seen it's share of heartaches I can firmly say that I have learned a lot this year as well.

And despite my continued weaknesses in attitude and willpower I am very thankful I have friends and family who always help me get my focus back on track. The challenge I have is to keep moving forward and growing as a person.

I just need to keep reminding myself not to fall back to bad habits and bad attitudes.

I hope 2019 will be a better year.

Out.

[793] Changes

Times change. And so can opinions and beliefs. This has happened to me, and is still happening to me.

I have so many beliefs changing. These are based on things I've experienced and will experience as I go on. I can't say if the changes are good of bad, just that they're changing. And no, I will not share my beliefs here. Not anymore, internet. Sorry.

Just know that because of all the things I've seen and experienced my beliefs are always changing.

Out.

[792] Eye Shingles

I was recently diagnosed as having eye shingles.

Apparently my immune system loves these not-so-common ailments. In 2012 I had a really bad case of hand, foot, and mouth disease. HFMD usually happens to children. And of all the adults who were at the outing (my sister-in-law's kids had it) I was the only one who of course got infected.

I don't even know where I got eye shingles. It could be from the hospital, where I've been going to almost every week for my wife's chemotherapy. For those of you who don't know, yes my wife has stage 3A breast cancer. Yes she's doing fine. No, I don't want to talk about it.

So here I am, isolated in my old room. What sucks is that my old room is basically our house's warehouse. It's filled with boxes and stuff that wouldn't fit in our rooms here. And yes, I'm staying here. No TV. Just my laptop and iPad for company.

We'll see how this goes. According to the infectious diseases doctor Maica visited I have to be in isolation for two weeks. Two god-damned weeks.

Out.

[791] Reverting

I guess the book's effects on me has worn off and I need to re-read it.

There are still times I try to remember what The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck taught me. I guess times are just really trying for me right now, hence me reverting to what I do best -- be negative and angry.

I just need to remember to find another perspective and to control my emotions. It just gets so trying sometimes.

Out.

[790] Did the Book Really Work?

I don't know if I am overthinking things again, or if I have forgotten most of the good stuff from reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" but lately I've been pretty emotional again.

I try to remind myself of the major points I learned and remembered for the book, but right now it seems as if I'm in a sinking boat. Try as I might to dump the water out it just keeps coming back in.

Maybe I should try to stop overthinking, the question is how?

Out.

[789] Seven hundred and eighty-nine

I can say without a doubt that 2017 and 2018 are the most challenging years I have experienced in my entire life. There have been life-altering, attitude changing, faith testing events these past two years that have forced me to evaluate who I am, what I believe in, and how I think.

The bottom line is I'm learning. Learning to fight, to persevere, to be humble, and to break the mold I've conveniently placed myself in. It has not been easy. It has been frustrating. I've seriously considered doing things my younger self would never have done. At the same time, I've also matured and become a much better person than I was.

There are times that I have come close to reverting to my old attitude. And I fight myself, I convince myself I'm better than I was. It is challenging, but I honestly hope to survive this and become better because of this.

Out.

[787] Pushing Through

Life is full of ups and downs, and I now know that it's how one reacts to these that determines how one feels.

Well right now it's a big fight for me. Many big things are happening right now, and there's a good chance if ever I read this post again in a few years I will have forgotten what these big things are.

I just know that I will overcome these obstacles. And I will learn something from this.

Out.

[786] It Always Comes Back to a Beetle

I find it funny that among all the cars I've ever liked, all the dream cars that I've ever (and will ever) have, it always comes back to the classic Volkswagen Beetle.

Right now my top three dream cars (in order) are 1. any classic Volkswagen Beetle; 2. the Ford GT40 Mk 1 or Mr 2; and 3. Audi RS4 Avant, either B5 or B7. Special mention to the 2019 Suzuki Jimny and the Land Rover Defender 90.

But it always comes back to the Beetle.

It's a dying breed, hard to find a well-cared for Beetle here in the Philippines. If there were well maintained Beetles around, they are being sold for a pretty penny. That's not really an issue for me since I have plans to retro-mod the Beetle.

I could probably afford to buy one, but in terms of reliability and safety I won't be too sure of that. Neither will I be sure how rust-free it is or how well it was maintained.

Most of the car related videos I search for in youtube are about the Beetle. Second would be the Suzuki Samurai since my dad and I have been planning on fixing up his Samurai, but that's a different story for some other time.

Out.

[785] Thoughts

Just when you think you're starting to get a grasp of things, guess again.

I'm not writing this to rant or get angry. I just find it sort of frustrating that when things seem to start going my way, other events happen that derail whatever peace of mind I have.

I'm learning to roll with the punches but it is still a challenge to maintain my calm and persevere. The sad (or funny, depending on your point of view) part is that I'm not even the one severely affected by whatever is happening to my life right now. Someone else is. Whatever I'm going through, someone else is going through much worse.

So I keep fighting.

Out.

[784] Challenges

I guess that book was far more helpful than I thought. I still haven't finished reading it.

Right now life has once again thrown a curve ball. Normally I would have been freaking out by now, but ever since I started reading the book I mentioned in my last blog post, I haven't freaked out as bad as usual.

I won't say it's because I've given up and will just take things as they come, because that's not really how I felt when this new set of challenges came up. It was more of an acceptance that this challenge has already begun and that I will have no choice but to go through this. How I go through this is the crucial thing.

I guess once in a while I will most likely revert to my old self. The one who will bitch and complain and ask why things like these happen to me. Like the book says, though, I will always have a choice on how to react. And it is my responsibility to overcome these challenges however I can. Or at least, that's how I understand it.

I am definitely going to read this book again, and again, as long as I start to feel bad or depressed. It gives me perspective, and it will keep me focused on what I have to do to keep myself stable.

Out.

[783] Self-Improvement

Last Sunday (August 5, 2018) I went to the Greenbelt branch of Fully Booked and bought myself a copy of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. This book was recommended to me by a few of my friends. Go figure why.

It's a great book. I haven't finished reading it, but from the chapters I've read it has shown great insight and helped me realize a lot of things about myself.

Don't let the title fool you. This book will not teach you how to become an @$$hole. It's just a catchy title. Read the book, and be open-minded about the contents.

I know what I've read is slowly affecting me, and I am hoping it is for the better. I will definitely be giving the book another pass once I'm done reading it. Maybe this time I'll either start taking down notes or using a highlighter to highlight some key points in Mark Manson's insights.

It truly is a great book and I hope it will help me find a better path to happiness.

Out.

[782] A Very Interesting 28th of July, 2018

Today was a very interesting day. I would like to recount parts of it here.

Today is Saturday. 28th of July, 2018. My family and I went with my folks to go to Glorietta. Martina and I were going to have our haircuts.

Let's start with our lunch. The three of us ate in Yabu, where I was pleasantly surprised. The food was pretty good, way better than when we last ate here. I had the chicken katsu curry, spicy hot. It was pretty good but since I had a lot for breakfast it affected me negatively.

Anyway we went to Bruno's Barbers a little past 12nn. There was a line but I didn't mind waiting. While waiting for my turn Eric, the husband of my, cousin greets me. Turns out he had a haircut there. He was also with his two kids, JG and Adi. Boy they've grown. JG is in college already and Adi is pretty tall already. By the way, Adi is my god-daughter.

When it was my turn to get a haircut I was lucky enough to be assigned to Mr. Tom. Not only did he know the haircut I wanted, turns out we both share something more. He's been through some problems my family is having right now. Something I'd rather not blog about, but talking to him about it made me feel a bit better about our situation. It also strengthened my resolve to overcome this current problem we have.

That's basically it. After the haircut we bought some groceries, passed by Starbucks, and went with my folks to head home.

I don't want to talk about the interesting part, let's just say I'm very very grateful for what happened today. No, I'm not talking about how bad and bloated I feel. It's the mental and emotional positive vibes that made my day.

Out.

[781] Vehicle Improvements

Three years ago my dad purchased a used Suzuki Samurai to replace our trusty 1993 Toyota Lite Ace. Just recently he (finally) convinced to stop daydreaming about owning and modifying a classic Volkswagen Beetle and instead help him out with the Samurai.

Well, here we go. We haven't started on anything... yet. I did show him a few youtube videos of some problem areas for the Suzuki Samurai, most notably the shifter. I won't be surprised if the alignment bolt for the shifter is already broken, similar to the video. This will probably the very first thing my dad and I will try to address with the Samurai, finances, time, and resources willing.

After that if we're crazy enough we'll probably try to find a way to tackle the electrical wiring of the Samurai. None of us are electricians though, and I do not know any reliable automotive electrician, but I do agree with my dad that the wiring harness should either be restored or replaced.

After that we'll probably need to find new seat belts for the front seats. I think they still work but they're so old the plastic is about ready to crumble.

Writing about the Samurai and what improvements we can do to it brings me back to our 2001 Toyota Rav4, aka my daily driver.

My driver and I have noticed that all four wheels leak air fast. We fill it with 32 psi on a Saturday and come Monday some wheels have 28 psi and others have 30 psi. I've even had an experience where one tire became totally deflated. When we had it sent to be vulcanized there were no punctures, but they did notice that air was leaking from the rim so they put some sealant on it.

This means that we'll have to have the rims fixed. I do notice that the paint on the rims are mostly chipped. I won't be surprised if that is the reason why air is leaking out faster than what is normal.

Aside from the rims, the Rav also needs a new stereo unit. This isn't much of a problem since we have a spare head unit here that we can probably have installed to replace the current head unit.

Finally, one last thing I'd like done on the Rav4 is to have the steering wheel leather wrapped. The current state of the steering wheel is very old and crumbling. My hands literally get dirty whenever I drive it, because the material of the steering wheel is turning to dust.

Yeah, so many things my dad and I would like to have done to the car, but resources aren't readily available. Hopefully my dad and I get to sort things out so we can have the cars back up to our standards.

Out.

[780] Post Birthday Thoughts

It's been two days since I celebrated my 38th birthday.

I know my previous posts have been mostly negative, that's just how I am. This time I'll try to look at things from another perspective.

I've been through a lot since 2017, and to be honest I know someone who's going through so much more. We're still here, still living, still striving. Aerosmith said it best, "life's a journey; not a destination."

So here I am, another year older, another year of experiences under my belt. I'm still trying to better myself and there will be times I will slip and revert back to my old attitude, but I will do my best to keep moving forward.

Out.

[779] Looking Back

As yet another birthday of mine draws, I've decided to think about how my life has been since the past year-and-a-half. Let's start from 2016, where events started that lead to major changes in my life in 2017 and onward.

2016 was a relatively great year for me. My daughter got accepted into one of the better schools in Metro Manila to start her primary schooling (or grade 1 as we call it here). I may have gotten into some rocky stuff at work around March 2016 or so but it was nothing I couldn't overcome. In fact, I can proudly say I actually thrived at work. The cost though was me withdrawing a bit from my officemates, but at the time I felt that the best course of action was to just shut up and work. And things did get better as 2016 drew to a close.

2017 started all the major changes. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we were let go at work. It was a major bummer because I was doing pretty well at work and I was motivated enough to gun for a position I wanted. I also felt I could get that position with enough time. Sadly that was not the case. Less than a week into the new year we were told we were being let go.

It took me a while to recover from that. During that time period my point of view in life started changing. I was never one of the people who could claim my faith in a higher being was strong, so that was one of the first to crumble. Even when things started to get better, my faith remained relatively empty.

It was during the middle to latter part of 2017 that I started to become a bit more positive again. To hope again. My wife and I came up with a plan that would help give us, along with our daughter, a shot at a better future. I tackled this with as much enthusiasm as I could. Things were going pretty well and I feeling really hopeful.

2018 arrives and my wife loses her father not two weeks into the new year. It was a sad blow for her, but we still pushed through with our plans. We knew that we had to achieve this new dream of ours not only because of the promising future it could give us, but also because this was a new challenge for us. We may have been afraid of what could happen, but we were both ready and willing to tackle it.

Unfortunately something happened again that basically put our plan to a halt. Let's just say my wife got sick enough to put our plans on hold. I'm not even going to say it is on hold, as I have basically given up on anything that could better my future. I just plan on living and working and making sure my daughter is going to get the best future that she can. That's my only dream now. Nothing any more for myself. Any dream I have gets taken away anyway. I give up. Once I know my daughter is a strong, independent woman who can provide for herself and take care of herself, my job is done. I can die. Basically that means I have to provide for her until she finishes college.

For those of you who say prayer and putting your faith in a higher being, I'm sorry. My faith has been near empty since 2017. Nothing has happened to change my mind. And don't even try to scare me about "oh don't ask the higher being to take all your blessings from you, you may regret it." I am grateful for the things my wife and I have. I just don't want to believe anymore. I find it pointless. I've both prayed and worked hard for a goal of mine, and from what I was taught if you do both the higher being will provide. Well, he or she hasn't.

Don't tell me that the higher being has other plans for me. Or to just try and listen because he could be swaying me in a different direction. I had plans. I had dreams. I was working hard for those dreams and to find out I can't achieve them anymore? Never mind. I have no more plans. Just live, work, provide, and die.

This isn't all negative though. I'm starting to accept that circumstances did not go my way. I'm starting to fight through all this and hopefully rise above everything. I'm learning to be resilient and to persevere through the ups and downs of life. And I'll be doing these with the help and strength of my father, mother, wife, daughter, and friends.

Out.

[778] 2018 Birthday Wish List -- Dream On Edition

Since I'm in a better mood today I'd like to post yet another 2018 birthday wish list. It is highly improbable that I get any of these things, but hey, a guy can dream right?

So without further ado...

1. My own daily driver. Top three I'd consider? Honda Jazz, Ford EcoSport, or the 2019 Suzuki Jimny. All automatics, of course. Something that has better fuel consumption than our 2001 Toyota Rav4, yet has the same compact size so it can still fit great inside parking spaces.
2. A condo in Makati. Somewhere in a nice, safe location. Even just a one-bedroom to share with my wife and daughter. Should have parking space. This would make sure we would not have a hard time bringing my daughter to school and my wife to work. We wouldn't have to wake up that early just to be able to avoid traffic.
3. A small piece of land in the province. I've been thinking of learning either beekeeping or mushroom farming so I can try to set up a small business. Once I save up enough funds I'll most likely be taking a short course in either, then hopefully I can put into practice what I'll earn. Just so I have some passive income.
4. An electric guitar and amplifier with cables and effects. A Gibson SG, a small Marshall amp, some nice cables, and maybe a wah-wah pedal since I already own a turbo distortion.

Hmm, that's it for now I guess.

Out.

[777] My Take on the Current NBA

So yesterday (Manila time) I found out Bron was signing with the Lakers. Today I find out Boogie Cousins is signing with Golden State.

Basically Golden State might be stronger than last year. Once Boogie is cleared to play and gets in relative game shape, the Warriors might be unbeatable.

I'm actually happy that the players now have control of where they want to play. Does it suck that one team gets stronger while other teams don't? Yes. However, players have earned their right to choose where they want to play. Who wants to play for a dysfunctional team, right?

Anyway to be honest I've lost interest in rooting for any specific player or team. I guess the Knicks still have a place in my heart (don't ask me why, maybe because of the Sprewell era). I stopped rooting for Sacramento when they drafted Bagley (don't get me wrong, I want to see him succeed, I just wanted the Kings to draft Doncic).

I'm interested to see what happens this coming season. Will Golden State beat their record of 73 wins? Will LeBron's finals streak come to an end? Will the East field any legitimate contenders for the championship? Will Boogie come back to form from his Achilles injury?

Finally, I don't think Golden State did anything wrong. I think they are setting a standard that other teams should strive for. Instead of wishing they get worse, I just wish other teams would get better. Raise the game and everyone benefits.

Out.

[776] Bad Days

Everyone has bad days. How you see it and how you deal with it is crucial.

Lately I've reverted back to my really negative and angry self. So many things are forcing me back to this comfort zone of mine. I'm trying my best to overcome this challenge, but life really loves throwing curve balls my way.

And no, comparing my life to others' is wrong. One side will always lose. So I have no choice but to persevere. Because it's all about the journey right?

Bullshit. I just wish my life would be as easy or stress free as others' lives.

Fuck this shit.

Out.

[775] The New Suzuki Jimny

I literally saw just now an article about the new Suzuki Jimny. After seeing the confirmed look for the latest model, the Jimny suddenly vaults into the top of the list of vehicles I would want to own in the Philippines.

It used to be the Toyota Innova that I considered best family car for the Philippines. Times change, and so does opinions. The Innova is huge and most parking spaces aren't getting any wider or longer. I've driven around and my 2001 Rav4 is just the right size for going around Metro Manila. The catch is, it guzzles gasoline.

Before the Jimny I was seriously pining for the Ford Ecosport. Any model, to be precise. I considered it the ideal successor to the Rav4 I was using. It may not be four-wheel drive but the size is almost the same and so is the space.

The new Jimny, however, looks good. I'm just basing it on looks alone. It just looks great, period. And hopefully it becomes a bit roomier inside than the previous model.

I was lucky enough to ride the previous generation Jimny way back in 2004. It was cramped, specially for someone my size. I sat in the back. I also managed to test how cramped it would be if I set the driver seat to fit me then sit in the back. Still cramped. So that is one of my complaints with the Jimny.

The fact that it is only a 3-door vehicle is also an issue. More of safety concerns about exiting the vehicle in a timely manner.

Aside from that, the new Jimny looks ideal for Metro Manila. Small, tall, and hopefully fuel-efficient.

My birthday is just around the corner...

Out.

[774] Not Another Birthday Wish List

In less than one month I'll be having my 38th birthday. And as is usually the case around these times I'll be posting yet another birthday wish list.

As I grow older and look back on past wish lists I can see the changes happening in my way of thinking and my priorities. Doing a quick search on my blog and I can see I really wasn't that much into fantastic things to wish for.

Things have changed greatly this year, though. Stuff happened that I did not want to happen. There were things in my life, as well as my wife and daughter's lives, that we were hoping would happen to us that were changed because of certain things we cannot control.

Anyway, without further ado, here is my 2018 birthday wish list.

1. Money. Greed is good. Specially with what's happening now. I'd rather not talk about it. I just wish I could just one day receive a huge amount of money. I could take care of our problems, buy a decent sized condo near Makati, fix or replace the Rav4, and invest for our future.

That's it. That's all I want. A huge amount of money. Money solves all problems. It's also the root of most problems, but having a huge amount of money will help solve it. It probably won't buy me happiness, but I do know it will make help me sleep better at night. Just knowing I have the funds to take care of stuff that's beyond my control.

This 38th birthday of mine will be interesting. I was about to type "the worst birthday in a while" but to be honest, it won't. I'm having a lot of problems now and I'm doing my best to persevere and push through. Negativity will be there, but I'm fighting. I'm doing it right now, fighing my "woe is me" attitude.

Out.

[773] RIP Anthony Bourdain

I found out last Friday evening local time that Anthony Bourdain had passed away. That would be June 8, 2018.

I was devastated upon hearing the news. I had read his book "Kitchen Confidential" and also watched his old shows, "A Cook's Tour" and "No Reservations." I enjoyed watching his shows because he gave a breath of fresh air to the typical food shows I watched. He was showing me a different perspective.

He made me want to cook more. Watching his shows and reading his book showed me what it was really like to be a chef. It shattered whatever illusions I had about being a chef. But at the same time, it made me love food and cooking even more.

It just pains me that he decided to end his life. I hope that he finds peace from whatever problems that he had. And I do hope that people do not forget the impact that he gave us on our lives.

Rest in peace, Anthony Bourdain. Thank you for everything.

Out.

[772] Changes

I've recently encountered a lot of changes in my life. Things that have led me to more questions than answers. Things that have, on occasion, pushed me to giving up.

I'll still keep fighting, and I'll still keep looking for answers. That's all I want to post right now.

Out.

[771] Battletech PC Game Rant

I recently started playing Battletech by Harebrained Schemes. I've been a fan of Battletech since I was in grade school. Though I never formally played it, I've always been reading novels and playing video games of it.

It was a relative no-brainer for me to pre-order the game. In fact, I got the deluxe digital content edition as a sign of support for the developers.

Overall I'm happy with the game. My biggest issue is with the random number generator, or RNG.

It's pretty funny that most of the games I like depend so heavily on RNGs. Fallout 1 and Fallout 2 featured this heavily. So did Assassin's Creed: Rebellion on mobile. Battletech also relies on this system to determine successes, failures, and critical hits.

Anyway, what's my issue? The random number generator is too random. And oftentimes favors the AI. It has been a common theme for me to save my game after almost every turn so that in the event that the enemy "crits" me, meaning he does devastating damage to my team's mechs, I have a fallback save to load. This happens. A lot.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when the tables are turned and I do the devastating damage. It just so happens that it occurs more often for opposing AI than my team and I.

It would have been nice if they came up with difficulty sliders. Make the easiest difficulty a guarantee that the user will have a higher factor of scoring critical successes than the AI. This would be great for people who just want to play the game to know the story. Then you can ramp up the difficulty with both sides having equal chances of getting crits. Then for those who really want a challenge, make the AI have more chances to crit.

Then again, I wouldn't call that difficulty. I would call it frustration levels.

There's no strategy involved in Battletech. I tried doing the higher ground maneuver and I still missed my attacks. The AI calmly blasted my head next turn. The only strategy I honestly can find in this game is knowing when to move during your turn or reserve your moves so you can attack the AI in a more favorable setting.

Aside from the RNG issue I'm happy with the game. The animations are nice, the VFX works, and the sounds are great. Mechs are cool. I don't mind if some of the mechs I knew growing up are "unseen" and not available in the game.

Would I recommend this game? Yes. I'm pretty sure other people are more patient than me.

Out.

[770] Moving Forward

This year I haven't been blogging as much. Let's just say I've been going through a lot of good and bad things that I am processing and acting on. Things I would rather not blog about.

Just know that everything is still fine and I am still trying to make the most of this journey I call life.

Out.

[769] As Time Goes By

As time goes by my tastes and standards in life change.

When I was younger I used to want the big, grand, flashy things. Cars, houses, items, you name it. Now that I'm relatively older I just want simple, practical, economical things.

I'd rather be wise about how I live my life. Keep things simple and always make sure I have enough in case of emergencies. Also, I guess I'm realizing that I should never attempt to live outside my means. And it might be better to live way inside my means as well.

This does not mean I won't spend. I will just prioritize what I should be spending on and what I should be frugal at.

There are still so many things I want to own, not just as expensive as the things I wanted before. But before all those, there are things I feel I should prioritize. Things that will be useful for my future and for my family.

Out.

[768] Perseverance

Fighting through tough times supposedly makes you a better person, specially if you adapt a very positive attitude. It also builds character to encounter and overcome hurdles in life.

These hurdles could be minor bumps in the eyes of others, but that does not matter. What matters is that you are facing the problem and that you must overcome it. Do not listen to others who seek to belittle your problems. Instead seek strength and guidance from those who want to see you succeed. Do not surround yourself with yes men, they won't bring you anywhere good.

Out.

[767] Windows User Name

I recently discovered that the cause of some errors when I use my 3D programs is because my Windows account uses the character "ñ" in it. Apparently some programs cannot understand that and it causes significant issues.

I discovered this because when I was trying to export to glTF using Substance Painter, it would always result in errors. After a couple of days of searching the internet for answers, I discovered the answer in, of all places, a 3ds Max forum.

I created a new user account and tried exporting again and it worked. So I fixed my local Windows accounts and now I am using an account that has no special characters.

Lesson learned: Next time I get a new workstation just use some witty nickname or drop the "ñ" and just use a regular "n."

Out.

[766] Learning New Software

I recently started learning Substance Painter by Allegorithmic. This is part of research we're doing for work. I think it's a bonus.

I was always curious about using this from my time in KLab Cyscorpions. I had seen our 3D modelers using this software for their personal projects and had gotten curious about it as well. Sadly things did not go as planned and I was not able to learn this during my time there. I had all but forgotten it until now.

Now I am taking the chance to learn this software, and I am enjoying it. I still have no idea if my modeling, unwrapping, and texturing techniques are still effective in the current state of 3D modeling. However I'm still giving it a go since I relish the opportunity to learn something new.

There are times it gets frustrating, but I can't be an old dog who refuses to learn new tricks.

Out.

[765] Not Another Car Post

It has been a while since I last posted about cars. Well, here we go again. Time to post the top three cars I would like to own, right now, here in the Philippines. In order.

1. Honda Jazz, 1st or 2nd generation (GD or GE), 1.5L engine, automatic transmission. This is the most practical car of the three and the one I would really love to own right now. Why 1st or 2nd generation? It's small enough, it still has that amazing interior that can accomodate almost any kind of cargo provided it can fit in the car, and honestly I've checked prices of 2nd hand units and they are pretty affordable.
2. Volkswagen Beetle Classic. I know someone who recently sold his Beetle for around PhP40,000.00 and I was half disappointed I didn't know about it. There are many problems with owning a classic Beetle including maintanance, parts, and the typical lack of airconditioning.
3. BMW E30 or E34, 4-door or station wagon. For BMW purists, I would specifically prefer a 320i / 520i or higher for either the sedan or touring versions. Ever since I met a few car guys who were BMW fans I became a fan as well. Why the older models? Because I honestly think they look the best.

So there you have it. The top three cars I would like to own. If ever I do get to own a car, any car, my first priority would be making sure the car is reliable and in good condition to be daily driven. That includes making sure brake pads, discs, and drums are not worn out. The engine should have no leaks and it should be running well. The suspension should be in good condition. There should be no electrical problems. Once those are done then the next thing I would focus on would be to make sure there are no rust spots anywhere. If there are, I would make sure to have them fixed.

Once all those above are done, then and only then would I start modifying the car. But that's for another blog post some other day.

Out.

[764] 13

This blog will be turning thirteen this year.

I never imagined it would last this long, nor did I imagine I would still be posting up to now. While it's true there are more "shit" posts (posts for the sake of posting), I still take time to write once in a while when the mood hits.

Just don't expect me to blog like a few years ago when I was doing my photo Project 365. I may do another round of that project, but I sure as hell won't be blogging about it.

Anyway, hopefully I'll still be around long enough to keep blogging. And hopefully my passion to write will still be around. Hopefully I can get my creative juices flowing again where I can start taking photographs, writing, and reading books like I did thirteen years ago.

Good luck to me.

Out.

[763] Super Blue Blood Moon

Tonight I got to see a bit of the rare event called Super Blue Blood Moon. What is this? Here's a link to CNN Philippines.

I have no idea why, but I was really amazed by the beauty of the moon. I only saw the partial eclipse and not the full one. Too many mosquito bites were making me very uncomfortable.

I was also able to take some photos of the lunar eclipse. I used my trusty Canon G16 and my dad's old tripod. It was fun to be able to take photos again. I'm glad there were some halfway decent shots, considering I used a point and shoot camera. And digital 20x zoom.

Anyway the photo below was one of my better shots. I cropped it in photoshop and added some of the details of the shot. And that's it.

Out.

My photo of the super blue blood moon.

[762] Updates

Last week my father-in-law passed away on January 10, 2018 at the age of 69. That was also the death anniversary of my paternal grandfather.

January 10 was also the birthdays of some nieces of my father-in-law, as well as the birthday my mom's pet labrador, Clancy.

People have mentioned that January is usually the time when plenty of deaths happen since the holidays just finished and there was a good chance a lot of people ate a lot of unhealthy foods. I wouldn't know for sure.

All I know is no matter what happens, life goes on. My wife mentioned she will not be able to move on from her father's passing, she will just learn to live with it.

As for me, I'm just taking things day by day. I'm thankful events of last year did not repeat this year. I'm still employed and still learning to better myself everyday.

Out.

[761] What Has Happened

It's been one year and three days since the incident happened. Basically a majority of people from where I used to work were removed due to redundancy. And it happened on my wedding anniversary.

Have I moved on? Yes, I would like to think so. Have I forgotten? No, never. Things like that will take me a long time to forgot.

What has happened since then? I've learned lessons about life and other people. I would like to think that despite all the negativity I felt at the time that I was still growing as a person. I feel like it has prepared me for future experiences like that.

Am I still emotional? Of course, that's what I am. I've learned to hide most of my emotion from other people who shouldn't know what I am actually feeling or thinking.

Anyway at least I found a new job. I met new people, made new friends. I am experiencing a lot more in life than I would have had the stats quo remained the same last year.

Looking back on things, I'm just glad I survived and hopefully became a better person because of those past experiences.

Oh, and I lost around 7kg since then. I'm aiming to drop to 90kg this year, and if possible maybe even before my 38th birthday.

Out.

[760] 2018

2018 has begun. A new year, a clean slate.

Here's hoping all of us achieve whatever goals we set, as long as it is positive and will contribute to better things for everyone. May we all have the patience and willpower to push through no matter what challenges we encounter in life.

Out.