As yet another birthday of mine draws, I've decided to think about how my life has been since the past year-and-a-half. Let's start from 2016, where events started that lead to major changes in my life in 2017 and onward.
2016 was a relatively great year for me. My daughter got accepted into one of the better schools in Metro Manila to start her primary schooling (or grade 1 as we call it here). I may have gotten into some rocky stuff at work around March 2016 or so but it was nothing I couldn't overcome. In fact, I can proudly say I actually thrived at work. The cost though was me withdrawing a bit from my officemates, but at the time I felt that the best course of action was to just shut up and work. And things did get better as 2016 drew to a close.
2017 started all the major changes. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we were let go at work. It was a major bummer because I was doing pretty well at work and I was motivated enough to gun for a position I wanted. I also felt I could get that position with enough time. Sadly that was not the case. Less than a week into the new year we were told we were being let go.
It took me a while to recover from that. During that time period my point of view in life started changing. I was never one of the people who could claim my faith in a higher being was strong, so that was one of the first to crumble. Even when things started to get better, my faith remained relatively empty.
It was during the middle to latter part of 2017 that I started to become a bit more positive again. To hope again. My wife and I came up with a plan that would help give us, along with our daughter, a shot at a better future. I tackled this with as much enthusiasm as I could. Things were going pretty well and I feeling really hopeful.
2018 arrives and my wife loses her father not two weeks into the new year. It was a sad blow for her, but we still pushed through with our plans. We knew that we had to achieve this new dream of ours not only because of the promising future it could give us, but also because this was a new challenge for us. We may have been afraid of what could happen, but we were both ready and willing to tackle it.
Unfortunately something happened again that basically put our plan to a halt. Let's just say my wife got sick enough to put our plans on hold. I'm not even going to say it is on hold, as I have basically given up on anything that could better my future. I just plan on living and working and making sure my daughter is going to get the best future that she can. That's my only dream now. Nothing any more for myself. Any dream I have gets taken away anyway. I give up. Once I know my daughter is a strong, independent woman who can provide for herself and take care of herself, my job is done. I can die. Basically that means I have to provide for her until she finishes college.
For those of you who say prayer and putting your faith in a higher being, I'm sorry. My faith has been near empty since 2017. Nothing has happened to change my mind. And don't even try to scare me about "oh don't ask the higher being to take all your blessings from you, you may regret it." I am grateful for the things my wife and I have. I just don't want to believe anymore. I find it pointless. I've both prayed and worked hard for a goal of mine, and from what I was taught if you do both the higher being will provide. Well, he or she hasn't.
Don't tell me that the higher being has other plans for me. Or to just try and listen because he could be swaying me in a different direction. I had plans. I had dreams. I was working hard for those dreams and to find out I can't achieve them anymore? Never mind. I have no more plans. Just live, work, provide, and die.
This isn't all negative though. I'm starting to accept that circumstances did not go my way. I'm starting to fight through all this and hopefully rise above everything. I'm learning to be resilient and to persevere through the ups and downs of life. And I'll be doing these with the help and strength of my father, mother, wife, daughter, and friends.
Out.
