Saturday, September 27, 2008

On Blogging (Again?!?)

It seems fairly obvious by now that I can only blog anything with sense when I am "angry."

I've been scanning through my previous posts, even ones from way way back. The trend I've been noticing is that the posts with the most sense, and the posts that always seem well-written are the posts I write when I need to vent.

I find it strange that of all the outlets of my frustrations I can think off it has to be in this blog. Am I that anti-social that I feel better releasing my frustrations to no one in particular? Opening up myself to a bunch of unknowns?

I've seen the dangers of posting my "true" thoughts. Now I only post "censored" thoughts. Things I don't mind writing and things I won't mind random people finding out about myself.

So why'd I post this? I have no idea.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

I AM Rasheed Wallace

These were the exact words that flooded into my brain as I lay awake at around 2:30am trying to fall asleep on a cold, hard floor. This was hours before D-Day for a project I was working on.

I had sacrificed my entire weekend and most of my weeknights just to stay and finish this project. We managed to finish it but not on time. We were probably a few hours delayed. I really can't complain since most of the team put out their best efforts, plus with such a short timetable our room for errors were nil. And this was the project where Murphy's law reared it's ugly head almost every opportunity. So it was still a job well done, considering the circumstances.

Anyway why was I comparing myself to Rasheed Wallace?

Cutting through all traces of humility, I am a really talented 3D artist. I work fast, my output has quality, I am a team player, I go the extra mile, I don't abandon my team when my tasks are done (staying behind to give either moral support or help out others who may need it), I learn things fast, and I am more than willing to do what has to be done. Just like Rasheed Wallace. He's always been there for his team. From the write-ups I've read about him on the internet most of his teammates enjoy having him on the team because of the positives he brings.

Rasheed Wallace is a multi-talented basketball player. He can post up, has a good mid-range shot, he can consistently bury the 3-point shot AND he plays good defense. I am an all-around 3D artist. I can model, rig, texture (up to a certain degree), animate, render, and composite works.

But 'Sheed also has his weaknesses. His emotions. Just like me. Rasheed can win a game for his team or lose it, depending on his emotions on any given day. If he plays with just the right amount of fire and control he can be unstoppable. But once his emotions start taking over he usually helps in the downfall of his team.

Just like me. I can help out anytime with the project and do amazing things with my skills. But once my emotions start taking over, I can also slow down the project. And I'm not just saying anger as an emotion. Yes I do get angry and it sometimes makes me lose focus. But there are other emotions. Like jealousy. Jealousy when I see someone else taking it easy, knowing that everyone else is giving 120% just to get something done. Jealousy over knowing that someone is getting more credit just because that someone knows how to market himself / herself better than me. Jealousy over seeing someone do almost nothing and rise to the top on sweet sounding bullshit that higher ups buy. (This has nothing to do with my current job ONLY, as this has been how I have been feeling since my previous job.)

But one thing I feel I have better than Rasheed has been self-control. I've been able to contain my emotions and set aside my negative feelings for the greater good of the team. So far. And it's because of this that I am proud that I have (so far) never been an impediment to the team.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Breaking Point

I'm suddenly really, really tired. Never expected this would happen so damn soon.

You know there is a problem when you dread getting up and out of your bed every morning. You know it's even worse when you remember that the dreams you've been having are all related to the reason you don't want to get out of bed.

Don't get me wrong, thanks to the upbringing I got from my folks, and the training I received at Holy Cow, I'm still good to go. I can do what has to be done, and do it to the best of my abilities, because a) I am proud of what I do and b) because I am trying my best to be a professional through and through.

I'd like to consider the team I'm in the Detroit Pistons. One of us is Billups, who guides the team with a steady hand. Another is Hamilton, full of boundless energy and ready to go the extra mile. Then there are the Amir Johnsons and Rodney Stuckeys, young guys full of potential but still in need of guidance. I'd consider myself to be 'Sheed. Talented and emotional, someone who can do special things if his head's on right.

What happens if someone like a Stephon Marbury (or a Zach Randolph) joins the Pistons? I'm sure most of you know.

And that's one of the reasons why I'm really, REALLY tired.


Monday, September 08, 2008


"... The report of my death was an exaggeration."
- Mark Twain

That quote above seems to fit, if you look at it from another point of view, my life right now.

Rumors have been running around about stuff that has been happening to me. Some of them are true, and some of them are not. And while I cannot confirm or deny all of them, I can lay to rest some of them.

I'm still here. I still have means of income. And I'm still getting better at what I do.

If I just made things hazier than clearer, then good. All the rumor-mongers out there will be in for a surprise. Karma's a bitch.

Karma. Is. A. Bitch.


Saturday, September 06, 2008

Cure for Insomnia

Okay. The past week I've been having a bad case of insomnia. Or if it isn't insomnia then my body clock got so out-of-whack that I only started getting sleepy around 12 midnight, and falling asleep around 1am-2am. Not cool, considering I also always managed to wake up around 6:30am all the time, and I never fell asleep in the afternoon.

Part of the problem probably was the fact that I had loads of stuff going through my head. Another part could be the fact that it was idle time for me last week. I really have no clue.

But this week that changed. I started falling asleep around 10pm at night, or a bit later. But as if on cue at around 9:45pm or so my eyelids would start getting really heavy. That's because I guess I finally found something to do. And that thing I've been doing has been really draining.

So if you want to get rid of your insomnia, or if you want to readjust your body clock, just start doing strenuous stuff and start depriving your body of energy. Eventually it will start to seek sleep and there you have it. You can start sleeping earlier so your body can get it's 8 hours of sleep.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Musings of an Idle Mind

I've experienced a lot of things in life, some good and some bad, but all of them were interesting experiences. Some of them I never expected to actually encounter while there are some I'm still waiting to experience. Who knows?

Anyway right now I actually feel like I am "evolving" in terms of the way I think and the way I act. It may not seem obvious to anyone else but I can see it. I can't even tell you how I feel like I'm evolving, just that I seem to be having a change of priorities. Not just a change of priorities but a change in my outlook in life.

Call it weird but my behavior changes depending on who I'm with. Maybe it's with my current group of officemates but it seems like I seem to be taking on more responsibilities. I seem to be less emotional at work. Changes in the project don't seem to affect me as negatively as they did before.

I don't know if this is because I'm at a new job or maybe because I've gotten so used to sudden and irrational (and maybe sometimes nearly impossible) revisions from my old job. Local TV commercials are a bitch to create. Trust me.

I encountered almost all kinds of clients at my old job. Art directors who have no direction, account executives who act like art directors, directors who go on vacation to Palawan when they know that the shit hit the fan and the team needed them now more than ever. I used to be quite emotional whenever I had to do changes to what I was doing in the project. Like what my officemate once said, I used to throw a "hissy fit" once I found out the revisions but after 10 - 30 minutes I'd just shut up and do the revisions.

Now, in my new job, I don't even react "violently" when I hear the revisions. I just nod my head, formulate a solution, then I act on it. Strange. Maybe I have grown up after all. Maybe because it's a new environment, one where more responsibilities are being thrown my way that is the cause of my sudden "maturity." I have no idea. But I am not complaining.

If this is the next step for me, then great. I have noticed that I have been working more efficiently and more productively since I changed jobs. It may be because I am in a different field now than before. I still do 3D but now it's not for TV commercials. Who knows?

I don't know if I might revert back to my old self. I hope not. I doubt it either.