[879] Bike Goals

I've been having very good discussions about bikes with a friend of mine. He does a better job of researching about lots of bike things and is a bit more experienced with newer tech bikes. Let's just say, as an example, that all I know about bikes is frame size and cassettes and chainrings. Meanwhile he already knows about head angles, crank length, and other more important technical things.

My near daily conversations with him has made me realize that while yes, I still want a gravel bike, I need to be a bit more specific about things I want to have on my bike. And what my priorities are before I even start buying, and possibly building, my own bike. So in this blog post I'll try to write down my priorities when I build a bike.

1. Comfort for posture. I'm definitely aiming to get a frame that is the right size for my height. Then find a seat height, handlebar height, and stem length that will be more on the comfort side than the aero/aggressive side of gravel bikes. Another reason for this is I'll be another year older in a few weeks, so I'm not as flexible as I used to.
2. Comfort while pedaling. I'm not building my bike for speed. More than likely I'll be looking for an 11-speed cassette with 11T-38T cogs, with a 38T chainring up front. I won't be going as fast but at least I also won't be exerting as much effort pedaling. I just want to be able to cruise with my bike.
3. Safety. This means I'll need reliable wheels and brakes. I'm looking to use mechanical disk brakes, and this will, I think, be the first time I will be using disk brakes on a bike. For tires I'd think the minimum width I should have is maybe 38mm. It's not like I actually have grave trails nearby. I'll also be adding rear lights and front lights, even if have no plan of riding during the evening. Plus I also plan on buying reflective tape to add to the bike in key locations.
4. Weight. Frames are expensive. Even the chromoly steel frames here are priced at an amount that makes my eyebrow go up. Or maybe I'm just a solid cheapskate. Still, I have no plans to go racing on this bike, my biggest dream is to do long distance biking. I have no idea how much of a factor weight will be. Also the bike I'm using now is probably way heavier than modern bikes so I'm not really sure how big a factor weight is.

And there you have it. I guess I'll be going over this list again as I approach the day I decide to buy a bike, or bike parts. I still have a lot of things to learn about bikes before I decide to pull the trigger, but I'm slowly getting there.

Meanwhile I'll keep riding my old bike and gaining strength, stamina, and confidence.

Out.

[852] Wax On, Wax Off

Last Sunday, July 19, 2020, I decided to give my trusty silver 2001 Toyota Rav4 a wash and a wax. The day before I already tried to clear the yellow off the headlights as best as I could, so I decided to try to give the car some cleaning. It's literally been a while since it got cleaned and waxed, as far as I can remember.

The main reason why I decided to do this was not because the car needed some love. It was a more selfish reason. I wanted to do something productive during the weekends, and seeing as how the pandemic is still going on I really have no plans of going out unless absolutely necessary.

I was also getting a bit bored and fatigued playing computer games all day. And I sure as hell was in no mood to practice anything related to 3D, but that's for another blog post if ever.

So I washed the car. I mixed some human hair shampoo with a bucket of water and gave it a good scrub. I rinsed off the really diluted and barely soapy water then proceeded to dry her off. Once that was done I used this really old bottle of wax that I found in the garage. I applied it in sections and buffed it out as well. It took me a good hour-and-a-half to do everything, give or take a few minutes.

It was tiring, more tiring than my typical fifteen-minute HIIT / Tabata workout I do every MWF. It was also fun, in a challenging sort of way. I'm thinking of ordering the correct car shampoo, wax, applicators, and microfiber towels so I can clean the car even better next time.

It was a good change of pace from what I usually do during these past few weekends. Hopefully I can use this as a launching point to finding more productive things to do during weekends. Honestly I've been feeling drained and burned out these past few months, specifically when this goddamned pandemic started. I'd rather not go into that anymore.

Out.

[848] Challenging Times

I keep posting about how challenging these past few months have been, and I cannot stop saying it. I really am struggling with how things are now, and once again I need to find a way to cope with all the things happening in my life at the moment.

So we will see what will happen these next few months. I honestly wished things were better, I really wanted a great 2020 but you can see how effed up things are.

I really want to give up but I do know that I cannot. So as I've been saying since maybe January of this year, keep on fighting.

Out.

[805] Two Steps Back

Life's been up and down a lot, and recently I can feel it sliding down. There's just something not right with me and I don't know what it is. I just know I have to power through this and soldier on.

In other news, my laptop's battery died. I can have it fixed but it would take two weeks. I can't afford to not have a laptop for two weeks so I'll have to see what I can do to remedy the situation. And yes, it has crossed my mind to buy a new laptop, not as powerful as this one, as a back up. It is stupid and totally out of my plans.

The other plan is to just ramp up saving money so I can buy a newer, more powerful laptop in the future. Or just assemble a desktop computer. I honestly don't know.

Out.

[804] Rears Its Ugly Head

Well once again another challenge is upon me. I've tried to convince myself to be positive but to be honest it really gets draining trying to find the bright side of things. I'd rather not be specific about it here so I'll just rant about vague things.

I was blindsided by this new turn of events in my life. And like I said above, I'm trying to rationalize that this is a win-win situation. It is affecting me now, in terms of morale and mood. And I am doing my best to stay upbeat.

I guess I could say this could partially be my fault since I was always negative. Maybe the universe just got tired of my non-appreciation of things, I honestly don't know.

Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into things. Maybe this really is just a challenge I have to overcome.

Either way, win or lose, life goes on.

It just gets tiring more often nowadays than when I was younger. And I really, really, really just wish I could give up and just disappear.

Out.

[797] Looking Back

Spoiler warning: This will most likely be a very negative and intense post. Read at your own peril.

2018 is almost done. What a year it has been. It has had its share of ups and downs, overall I'd say this year sucked. Let's start from before 2018.

As we were entering 2017 I was so full of hope. I had a new role at the company I used to work for. I had a very wonderful evaluation from my senior managers and after showing them what I was capable of doing I was also aiming for a promotion. Things were going fine, and I was feeling very happy and thankful.

Six days into 2017 (on my 7th wedding anniversary no less!) I lose my "dream" job through no fault of mine. About 75% to 80% of us lost our jobs due to redundancy. It would take me months to recover. I lost a good chunk of my savings, I lost a lot of my faith, and I also started getting more depressed than my usual self. (Note: I haven't seen a shrink, ever.)

As we were entering 2018 I was again full of hope. I had decided to try to find a school abroad and bring my wife and daughter with me. If things went according to plan I would be studying a post-graduate degree while my wife would work and our daughter would study in whatever country I was planning to study.

Ten days into 2018 my wife lost her father. Around mid-to-late April she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had to cancel whatever plans we had to go abroad so she could be treated here and get better (note: She's on the mend). Once again I started getting depressed and very negative, this time with worries about my wife's life and with finances.

Thankfully we're making it through.

As we are entering 2019 I have no hope. No future goals. Nothing to look forward to. I'm just bracing for whatever shit the universe (or for those of you who believe, God) has to once again "bless" us with. Things haven't been going totally my way these past few years. The book I read (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) has helped me with dealing with things I'm experiencing, but it's not enough.

So what am I trying to say here? Simple. I've lost my faith, I've lost my ability to hope for big things. I'm still trying my best to react as maturely as possible to things. I'm not as excited for 2019 to come, I'm not as happy for 2018 to end. I'm just living everyday.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that sad. I still find happiness in things I'd rather not write here. My family still keeps me going. I've been daydreaming a lot as well, like I used to. To escape the reality I'm in right now.

I'm also going to try to find things this year to better my life, as well as my family's. It will be a challenge, but I guess I still have enough strength and sanity to keep on keeping on.

Out.

[794] 2018

The year is almost over. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it ending. It has been one long and eventful year. While this year has seen it's share of heartaches I can firmly say that I have learned a lot this year as well.

And despite my continued weaknesses in attitude and willpower I am very thankful I have friends and family who always help me get my focus back on track. The challenge I have is to keep moving forward and growing as a person.

I just need to keep reminding myself not to fall back to bad habits and bad attitudes.

I hope 2019 will be a better year.

Out.

[782] A Very Interesting 28th of July, 2018

Today was a very interesting day. I would like to recount parts of it here.

Today is Saturday. 28th of July, 2018. My family and I went with my folks to go to Glorietta. Martina and I were going to have our haircuts.

Let's start with our lunch. The three of us ate in Yabu, where I was pleasantly surprised. The food was pretty good, way better than when we last ate here. I had the chicken katsu curry, spicy hot. It was pretty good but since I had a lot for breakfast it affected me negatively.

Anyway we went to Bruno's Barbers a little past 12nn. There was a line but I didn't mind waiting. While waiting for my turn Eric, the husband of my, cousin greets me. Turns out he had a haircut there. He was also with his two kids, JG and Adi. Boy they've grown. JG is in college already and Adi is pretty tall already. By the way, Adi is my god-daughter.

When it was my turn to get a haircut I was lucky enough to be assigned to Mr. Tom. Not only did he know the haircut I wanted, turns out we both share something more. He's been through some problems my family is having right now. Something I'd rather not blog about, but talking to him about it made me feel a bit better about our situation. It also strengthened my resolve to overcome this current problem we have.

That's basically it. After the haircut we bought some groceries, passed by Starbucks, and went with my folks to head home.

I don't want to talk about the interesting part, let's just say I'm very very grateful for what happened today. No, I'm not talking about how bad and bloated I feel. It's the mental and emotional positive vibes that made my day.

Out.

[779] Looking Back

As yet another birthday of mine draws, I've decided to think about how my life has been since the past year-and-a-half. Let's start from 2016, where events started that lead to major changes in my life in 2017 and onward.

2016 was a relatively great year for me. My daughter got accepted into one of the better schools in Metro Manila to start her primary schooling (or grade 1 as we call it here). I may have gotten into some rocky stuff at work around March 2016 or so but it was nothing I couldn't overcome. In fact, I can proudly say I actually thrived at work. The cost though was me withdrawing a bit from my officemates, but at the time I felt that the best course of action was to just shut up and work. And things did get better as 2016 drew to a close.

2017 started all the major changes. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we were let go at work. It was a major bummer because I was doing pretty well at work and I was motivated enough to gun for a position I wanted. I also felt I could get that position with enough time. Sadly that was not the case. Less than a week into the new year we were told we were being let go.

It took me a while to recover from that. During that time period my point of view in life started changing. I was never one of the people who could claim my faith in a higher being was strong, so that was one of the first to crumble. Even when things started to get better, my faith remained relatively empty.

It was during the middle to latter part of 2017 that I started to become a bit more positive again. To hope again. My wife and I came up with a plan that would help give us, along with our daughter, a shot at a better future. I tackled this with as much enthusiasm as I could. Things were going pretty well and I feeling really hopeful.

2018 arrives and my wife loses her father not two weeks into the new year. It was a sad blow for her, but we still pushed through with our plans. We knew that we had to achieve this new dream of ours not only because of the promising future it could give us, but also because this was a new challenge for us. We may have been afraid of what could happen, but we were both ready and willing to tackle it.

Unfortunately something happened again that basically put our plan to a halt. Let's just say my wife got sick enough to put our plans on hold. I'm not even going to say it is on hold, as I have basically given up on anything that could better my future. I just plan on living and working and making sure my daughter is going to get the best future that she can. That's my only dream now. Nothing any more for myself. Any dream I have gets taken away anyway. I give up. Once I know my daughter is a strong, independent woman who can provide for herself and take care of herself, my job is done. I can die. Basically that means I have to provide for her until she finishes college.

For those of you who say prayer and putting your faith in a higher being, I'm sorry. My faith has been near empty since 2017. Nothing has happened to change my mind. And don't even try to scare me about "oh don't ask the higher being to take all your blessings from you, you may regret it." I am grateful for the things my wife and I have. I just don't want to believe anymore. I find it pointless. I've both prayed and worked hard for a goal of mine, and from what I was taught if you do both the higher being will provide. Well, he or she hasn't.

Don't tell me that the higher being has other plans for me. Or to just try and listen because he could be swaying me in a different direction. I had plans. I had dreams. I was working hard for those dreams and to find out I can't achieve them anymore? Never mind. I have no more plans. Just live, work, provide, and die.

This isn't all negative though. I'm starting to accept that circumstances did not go my way. I'm starting to fight through all this and hopefully rise above everything. I'm learning to be resilient and to persevere through the ups and downs of life. And I'll be doing these with the help and strength of my father, mother, wife, daughter, and friends.

Out.

[770] Moving Forward

This year I haven't been blogging as much. Let's just say I've been going through a lot of good and bad things that I am processing and acting on. Things I would rather not blog about.

Just know that everything is still fine and I am still trying to make the most of this journey I call life.

Out.

[769] As Time Goes By

As time goes by my tastes and standards in life change.

When I was younger I used to want the big, grand, flashy things. Cars, houses, items, you name it. Now that I'm relatively older I just want simple, practical, economical things.

I'd rather be wise about how I live my life. Keep things simple and always make sure I have enough in case of emergencies. Also, I guess I'm realizing that I should never attempt to live outside my means. And it might be better to live way inside my means as well.

This does not mean I won't spend. I will just prioritize what I should be spending on and what I should be frugal at.

There are still so many things I want to own, not just as expensive as the things I wanted before. But before all those, there are things I feel I should prioritize. Things that will be useful for my future and for my family.

Out.

[758] Bahay ni Maria

Last December 9, 2017 we spent a few hours in the morning at Bahay ni Maria.

Maica had decided a few months ago that it would be a good way to celebrate Martina's seventh birthday by spending some time with kids in an orphanage instead of the usual birthday party. I wholeheartedly agreed on this idea since I'm not too big on parties either. Plus the fact that sharing some of our time and gifts to people in need would be a great experience not only for Martina but also for Maica and I.

So my wife took care of everything. When we should go there, who brings the food, who was invited. It would be a small, simple party with only our immediate family invited. We also invited one of Martina's best friends but unfortunately he could not make it.

We decided to get the services of Jollibee. The party package they had included food, some parlor games, and a surprise appearance by a mascot (who turned out to be Jollibee himself).

I won't get into too much detail anymore, since I want to talk about the feeling I had during and after the gathering.

They started with a simple program of Christmas songs for us. They all sang very well. After that we had a quick snack of the food from Jollibee plus some killer cheese pimiento sandwiches Maica made. I was surprised after eating that all the girls were segregating their wastes before throwing them.

Seeing the girls' faces light up when the games started was very heart-warming. The younger ones were having a great time. When Jollibee came out even the older ones started getting excited as well.

Finally when that was done, the girls all got their giveaways. A pair of pajamas and a bag of snacks. All the girls were very happy and excited. After that they invited Martina to go upstairs with them to see their rooms.

All in all, I think it went well. I honestly hope that we gave those girls in Bahay ni Maria at least a few moments were they could be happy, specially this Christmas season.

I also hope that visiting the place made a mark with Martina. I know she just turned seven but I really do hope that these things will help her develop into a compassionate and understanding person.

Personally I really enjoyed my time there. It was a very eye opening experience for me and it made me realize that there is still so much hope in this world and that giving up would be a very, very desperate action.

If the opportunity presents itself I would probably consider spending my 39th birthday with them. We shall see.

Out.

[755] Mortality of a Friend

I recently found out that a classmate of mine in grade seven had passed away due to a heart attack.

I was shocked and saddened by the news. It was as recently as a few months ago that I was corresponding with this guy via social media. We even agreed to have lunch one time with another former classmate. Although as is the case with me, I never followed it up.

I would never consider him a good friend, to be honest. After grade school I transferred to another school and we never got in touch. Strangely enough when I was working already we would bump into each other once in a blue moon in Makati.

I guess it was through those random times that he decided to add me to his social media account. And I guess those were the steps that would have rekindled our friendship. He was, overall, a good guy to me. He did burn a portion of my left forearm with a very hot wire when we were kids, but hey, we were kids at the time. And I did manage to land a pretty solid (in my opinion) hit on the side of his head after he did that.

Did I carry any grudges with him? No. That thing he did to my arm was a childish thing that I had let pass. The scar, or peklat in Filipino, is gone. I still remember it, but that's because I remember so many damn random things in my life.

Anyway as I said earlier, he passed away due to a heart attack. Bloody hell. He's thinner than me, at least from what I saw in his social media posts. I don't know if he had any medical conditions. To pass away at this age due to a heart attack? Come on, he's about the same age as me. He should be anywhere from 36 to 38 years old and he dies of a heart attack?

I'm partially glad that I started walking in January and have lost weight. I'm partially frustrated that I'm now hitting a wall in my exercise and have no mood to do any lately. And I am totally afraid of something fatal happening to me anytime soon. I'm just not ready for it.

So anyway, I'm rambling again. Rest in peace, my friend. Such a shame we never got to have lunch. I enjoyed connecting with you, even if only via social media.

Out.

[753] I Wish I Could Turn Off My Brain

I think too much. And I think too much of things beyond my control. Or I try to think of all possible scenarios for things I want to do in my life.

Oftentimes I focus on the worst-case scenario. I don't know why. And I wish I could turn it off sometimes. Just go with the flow, but be prepared. Sadly I'm not like that.

I like to think. To analyze. To predict. Even stuff that shouldn't bother a normal person bothers me. My wife has tried to help me stop thinking. I've asked her countless times how to let go.

I've tried to rationalize to myself to stop thinking about some things that shouldn't even be problems.

I don't know why I think too much. I just do.

Out.

[746] Musings About Myself

Today marks the end of my really long, unplanned vacation. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Short term I have a future again. Medium term the outlook is also good.

Long term is still the biggest question mark. I am still unsure of the long-term future, and if I can be the provider I should be for my family. At least for the short-term things are looking good.

If you still don't understand my post, basically I'm starting work tomorrow. It is a freelance job for about a month. It's still work. Something I haven't done since basically the first week of January.

After that the good news is that I passed one of my entrance exams with a company. I just need to schedule my interview with them and pass that and I will have a steady source of income. Aside from that I am still waiting for the results of another exam I took for another company.

We shall see what happens. I am thankful for all the people who helped me during my down times, and all the people who helped me find employment. I was very happy and surprised that someone I worked with years ago also helped a lot during these times.

I just hope that this is the start of greater things for me in 2017.

Out.

[734] It All Came Crashing Down

When I returned to my 3D career I was really proud. Who wouldn't be? I had been gone and relatively out of practice for over a year-and-a-half. I was trying to get back to my "bread and butter" which was the world of 3D.

And I did. And I was very happy. I was happy to be working where I was. I was proud to work where I was. And I became even prouder and happier when I passed my probationary period and became a regular employee.

I thought things were going great. And they were, to be honest. Things were going along rather fine and I thought I was regaining my form and getting excited to learn new things. I was even excited to grow with my team members.

Then something happened around late first quarter this year that changed all that. I won't bother to get into the specifics but after that I realized I am still just a "salaryman" trying to earn a living so I can take care of my family.

Ever since my perspective has shifted. Yes I am still proud to work where I am, and I am still happy with my current situation. Hell, I'm still excited to learn new things in 3D. I do also remember that I still have other priorities in life.

Out.

End of May Report

It's the end of May. I've been working in my new job for a week. How has it been?

It's been good, to be honest. Personally I'm feeling really challenged to succeed, which isn't a bad thing. I'm undergoing training as a 3D Animator, and that alone is good. What concerns me is the upcoming exams during training. But I won't discuss my new job yet. I'll be as vague as I can for now.

Aside from this, things have been okay. I finally have my Saturdays back, and I'm still adjusting to that extra day of rest.

On the physical standpoint, I've decided to try to build my stamina via biking. I will be trying to bike every Saturday and Sunday early morning, taking the walking route I take inside the village. I'm starting out doing two kilometers every trip, and every month I'll add one more kilometer. So this whole June I have to do 2km. This morning I started and did it in 11 minutes and 45 seconds.

I'm not going to focus on improving my time to complete the trip. I'm going after stamina. Right now my @ss is sore because I haven't ridden a bike in a while. Plus my arms are sore because I'm so damn fat I have a hard time supporting my upper body weight while biking.

Speaking of weight, I'm hoping I can drop a few pounds because of one of the perks in my new job: Free breakfast and lunch. What does this have to do with losing weight? Well, the meals are pre-packed so I can only eat that. Hopefully I can control my appetite and not have to buy more food outside of work, because I really need to lose weight.

Anyway, that's it for now. Life's been generally good and happy, and I'm still adjusting to my weekends. I need a hobby, and I need to practice my animation skills.

Out.