Something Troubles My Mind

"The quantity of speech is not always indicative of the quality of thought."
- Monty Brown, TNA Wrestler

Something troubles me. Something big.

Luck, as it would seem, doesn't seem to be siding with me. She is a fickle mistress who can turn on you in an instant, one minute caressing you with her loving touch, the next ripping at your throat with her long, sharp nails.

Some people progress through life quite easily. They get what they want, they get away with anything, and they live "happily." I use quotation marks simply because I do not really know if they are happy, or if the smiles they put on in public is a facade, hiding all the sorrow and fears they really have. But they seem happy.

Some people get through life using excessive amounts of bullshit and bravado. Never enough substance, but they more than compensate for that with all the lies and sweet talk that comes out of their mouths. They are the people who don't really have to prove anything and yet they get everything. That infuriates me.

I try to show my worth not through word of mouth, but rather through action. I walk the walk, and I try not to talk the talk. Because speaking has never been my forte. And talking bull was never one of my strong points either. (For those of you who know where I studied I'm sure you'll say, "But you come from Ateneo de Manila High School, where bullshit is discreetly taught to you and is extremely prevalent in classrooms." Well I hate bullshit.)

And yet despite the fact that I try to let actions speak louder than words, sometimes people who do the exact opposite come out ahead of me. I'm not going to name names, but I certainly think some people I know don't deserve the position they were in. Sure luck played a role in them getting where they are right now. But they also got to where they are by spewing excessive amounts of bovine excrement from their mouths in order to rise above the rest.

A hollow victory. Yet a victory nonetheless.

Here I am, still in my (relative) youth and yet embittered by what I have seen. Pissed off above normal standards and full of angst. That's the way I am. I want justice. I want equality. I want people to get what they deserve not because they sweet-talked their way into it but because they worked damn hard for it.

Perhaps the problem is with me. Maybe I'm not aggressive enough. Maybe I don't take enough risks. Maybe I play it too safe. But at least when people ask me what I have done I can say that I have done something, rather than hiding behind a web of lies so thick and sticky that I'd eventually believe them myself.

There comes a time in one's life when one has to rock the boat. Maybe that time is fast approaching for me. Maybe not. But when that time does indeed arrive, everyone will know that I rocked the boat.

Out.