If this posts then fine. If it doesn't you'll never know.
Dammit. My brain is fried. Too many thoughts, too many troubles. Or are they all figments of my imagination? Perhaps they all don't belong. Perhaps they just show up because of the way I am, the way I think.
My mind is headed for oblivion. I seek the solace of emptiness. I need a break from reality and run away to a nice, safe place. If only for a while.
I need freedom, I need peace of mind. I need a million dollars to, but hey, you can't always get what you want.
I need to free myself from myself. To release the real me, and not the angst-ridden, idealistic, angry, rambling, intense, slothful me. I need to act my age, I need to answer to my responsibilities. I need to grow up.
I need a lot of things.
But I can't give myself those things. I do not know why. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. Unless I suffer something life changing I will have a hard time breaking out of this funk I am in. And the only way to break out of this funk is to shut down, re-format, and reboot myself.
How will I do that when the only thing that is keeping me sane is my current self?
I am close to breaking down, maybe because I think too much. Because I pay attention to things which I should not be paying attention to. Maybe because my priorities are all in the wrong places.
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
Fuck this all. I just needed to get this out of my chest. If this publishes, great. If this doesn't, then I keep another secret with me.
Don't mind me, I'm just ranting.
Out.
i really like this entry, gani. the desperation is so familiar. at my age, when everyone expects me to be settled, i listened to this nagging voice inside me -- and maybe it will happen to you too, the time when it will become so unbearable that the risk you have to take in answering the call is much easier to deal with than the anguish of keeping it locked inside.
ReplyDeleteYou risk everything by risking nothing.
ReplyDeleteThe same "self" that's keeping you sane is the same "self" that's driving you insane.
I say fuck that and just get on with it. You know what you have to do. We all get chickenshit sometimes but what sets you apart from others is whether or not you choose to stay chickenshit or move forward, damn it all to hell, and "jump".
You risk everything by risking nothing.