[797] Looking Back

Spoiler warning: This will most likely be a very negative and intense post. Read at your own peril.

2018 is almost done. What a year it has been. It has had its share of ups and downs, overall I'd say this year sucked. Let's start from before 2018.

As we were entering 2017 I was so full of hope. I had a new role at the company I used to work for. I had a very wonderful evaluation from my senior managers and after showing them what I was capable of doing I was also aiming for a promotion. Things were going fine, and I was feeling very happy and thankful.

Six days into 2017 (on my 7th wedding anniversary no less!) I lose my "dream" job through no fault of mine. About 75% to 80% of us lost our jobs due to redundancy. It would take me months to recover. I lost a good chunk of my savings, I lost a lot of my faith, and I also started getting more depressed than my usual self. (Note: I haven't seen a shrink, ever.)

As we were entering 2018 I was again full of hope. I had decided to try to find a school abroad and bring my wife and daughter with me. If things went according to plan I would be studying a post-graduate degree while my wife would work and our daughter would study in whatever country I was planning to study.

Ten days into 2018 my wife lost her father. Around mid-to-late April she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had to cancel whatever plans we had to go abroad so she could be treated here and get better (note: She's on the mend). Once again I started getting depressed and very negative, this time with worries about my wife's life and with finances.

Thankfully we're making it through.

As we are entering 2019 I have no hope. No future goals. Nothing to look forward to. I'm just bracing for whatever shit the universe (or for those of you who believe, God) has to once again "bless" us with. Things haven't been going totally my way these past few years. The book I read (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) has helped me with dealing with things I'm experiencing, but it's not enough.

So what am I trying to say here? Simple. I've lost my faith, I've lost my ability to hope for big things. I'm still trying my best to react as maturely as possible to things. I'm not as excited for 2019 to come, I'm not as happy for 2018 to end. I'm just living everyday.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that sad. I still find happiness in things I'd rather not write here. My family still keeps me going. I've been daydreaming a lot as well, like I used to. To escape the reality I'm in right now.

I'm also going to try to find things this year to better my life, as well as my family's. It will be a challenge, but I guess I still have enough strength and sanity to keep on keeping on.

Out.

[796] 2018 Christmas Wishlist

It's that time of the year again where I start daydreaming.

Actually, let us change gears this Christmas. As much as I want my materialistic side to take over, I'm going to be thoughtful about this post.

I want peace of mind and happiness. I also want strength of will to become a better person and to change some parts of me to achieve what I want.

2017 and 2018 were relatively down years if I focus on the negatives. They were also good years since I've done a lot of thinking and changing perspectives as I move on. Overall you could say they weren't great years.

There were times I was down so low, but I also realized that as long as I have hope, and as long as I can do something about it I will always have a fighting chance. As long as I have my wife, my daughter, my parents, my good friends, and my (blood) relatives I will always have a fighting chance.

So there you have it. I just want happiness, peace of mind, and strength of will. I know I have to work to earn those things, I just wish sometimes that those things came easily to me.

Out.